The sun bathed the horizon a warm orange. The bobbing head toy on my dashboard fell off as the car jerked. Yet another pothole. I fumbled to find it, but my fingers could not reach that far down. I always did have short arms anyway. I sat up in my seat and listened to the music. My arms steered the car carefully and I fell into another daydream.

"What’s the ocean look like mommy?" She lay deathly pale in the hospital bed.
"Oh its beautiful honey. So beautiful..." She dreamily sighed and brought her hand to my cheek. She brushed my hair, her hand limply falling down to her side.
"So blue..." She breathed out the phrase and looked at me.
"Just like your eyes...so blue..." Her eyes closed, the last thing she saw was my blue
set of eyes, looking back at her curiously. She looked into my eyes before she died that day. Her eyes pouring into mine. Her soul returning to the ocean. I had never seen the ocean.

Another pot hole in the deserted road brought me back to the sunset and my steering wheel. My blue cabriolet was magically purple in the sun's light. A low  building caught my attention. It had been a whole day since I had seen any civilization. It was the gas station my car needed for some time now. I pulled up to the station and got out. The wind blew across the road and between my legs, carrying the sand along with it.

"Daddy, have you seen the ocean?" He sat at the funeral. He cried. His head in his hands, he muttered, "No sweetie." That was the moment when, at 9 years of age, I realized there would be no more tales of the seascapes. No more stories of sharks and swimmers. No more blue. The tales and hopes of the ocean died with my mother.

"HEY!" I spun around to see the manager of the gas station approach. "You gonna filler up er watt?"
"Do you mind me just standing here? I'm awfully tired of driving. I just feel like stretching my legs, ya know?" I stared into his eyes. They were blue. So blue.
"Ye I mind, yer holdin up de spot!"
"As If you have any more customers to wait on..." I muttered and started to fill up my
gas tank.

"Daddy I'm sorry!"
"Don’t make me wait for you anymore! You’re holding me up! Get your ass in the car!."
I cried. I was tired. Tired from travelling so much. Ever since mom died, we had been moving around in Midwest America. From trailer to trailer. And every time farther from the ocean. Deeper into America. Deeper into nothing.  "Please daddy, I want to stay! I’m tired." I cried. My nose was runny. My blue eyes
were reddened. I was 11 then. And I was sick of life. I wanted to be free, free and endless like the ocean. Like the blue, blue ocean. Like my eyes.

"Hey! Yo! Girlie, ya done? Or will I wait on yer lovely ass forever here?" The gas station bum was really beginning to annoy the hell out of me. Why couldn't I get my head straight today? Sighing, I paid the man his money for the overpriced and probably diluted gasoline that my poor cabriolet had to run on and jumped back in the car. The sun was fully red now, still setting, and the horizon blurred and fizzed from the heat. I wondered what the ocean would look like, when it would finally appear on my horizon.

"You killed her! It was your fault she died. You never let her be happy!" I was 16 and accusing my father of the worst. He struck my face with full force and I flew across the room. "You never let her see the ocean again, that’s all she ever wanted..." I whispered under my breath, shivering and shuddering with sobs. "What was tha you said? You wanna open up yer mouth again?" He came up closer and stood over me. All I could do was shrivel up and cry. I would lose this battle anyway. "You wanna know why your momma died the way she did? She was weak. She gave up on life, she gave up on us! She left us! She could have fought it! But she didn’t! All she ever..."

I caressed my cheek. Now, six years later, my cheek still hurt from his anger. A tear came down my face and I quickly brushed it away. I would see the ocean yet, I would see it and swim in it and breathe that air. I would feel what my mother felt and would see that which she talked about so often. Beep! I jumped in my seat. Turning around I saw that another car, surprisingly, was in line for gas. I turned back towards the wheel and my eye caught the annoyed  eyes of the gas station attendant. And I pulled out onto the road once again. The road was straight with no end in sight and I kept my wheel aligned, closing my eyes for just a moment to shut the pain out.

"Where do you think you're going? You are leaving me alone? You ungrateful bitch, I took care of you and now that I'm sick you leave me?" Father had walked into the room, leaning heavily on the door frame. I was 18 now and was not going to take any more of his bullshit. I was ready to leave and I would do all I wanted to do. I would see the world. Most importantly I would see the ocean. The blue motivated my mind and actions as I quickly packed and rushed around the room, gathering only what I needed. "I'm old enough to be on my own now, and Stella can take care of you. You love Stella don't you? She is your wife after all dad. Why do you need me around?". Father had remarried a year ago, much to my happiness and dismay. I noted the silence from the door and turned around. He was tearing. "All we ever did after her death was make each other sick, didn’t we? That aint the way it was before." I ran out of the house fast, or else I would change my mind. To this day I still don't know if it was a mistake or a blessing that I left when I did.

Breathing slowly, I opened my eyes to the road again. But the pain would not go away. The tears came more heavily now and I had to concentrate harder to drive straight. My black hair, lifted by the wind, was getting in my face and being a general pain in the ass. With my left hand I pushed the hair back and tucked it behind my ears. The sun was almost fully gone now and I turned on the headlights. Maybe by night I would reach some hotel. If not, I would have to camp out in the desert again. Looking back I searched for the car that had driven into the gas station after me. Curiosity asked who  was this traveler that drove on this road with me. I was sure I was the only one for miles and miles. Guess not. I shrugged to no one and focused on the wheel again. Damn I loved this cabriolet. It's color was now a dark blue tinted with purple. The air still smelled like dust and sand though. I wonder how ocean air will smell. I remember...

I am a little girl, climbing on my mother's bed and finding a fabric spray my mother always used. I could read by now and the scent was called 'Ocean air'. Typical of my mother. I spray it into the air and sniff deeply. It was instant love. I have never smelled the ocean, but this was as close as I would get for years. I laugh, spray and spray the air till all around me all one could smell was this ocean spray.

Ocean mist, ocean spray, ocean air, I had used all of them. I was desperate to taste the ocean any which way I could. My hand reached down and traced the keys on the radio, pressing the 'on'. A guitar and vocals filled the air around me. I turned it up louder and filled my world with music. It was just me, the road, my cabriolet and the music. I breathed a deep breath again and smiled, still crying slowly. Out of joy. I will finally see the ocean. My beautiful ocean.  my love, my dream, my dear sweet ocean. All the past left behind.

The first day in that little shanty town I stopped at. I heard a whistle and jumped around. A handsome guy stood there, leaning on a blue cabriolet and smiling at me. "Hey little lady, ya new here?" I blushed madly and tried to act cool. He winked at me and motioned me to come to him. I was a bruised, lost soul and my heart searched for someone to love at that time. And so I instantly allowed him to sweep my off my feet. I sauntered over to him, looking calm and collected. "Wanna take a ride in my new baby?" He patted the car hood. He smirked at me. It was a really nice car. He was a really handsome guy. I wish my momma told me a little more about boys and girls and what happens when they are alone.

My eyes wandered towards the picture of my first love, still glued to the dashboard. He was handsome, still is in my heart. It hurt so much, so much. I had to look away, and with one hand tore the picture off the dashboard. Feeling the photo between my fingers I wondered what to do with it. The car still sped along the road at a high cruise speed. The wind made my hair fly. I looked back at the photo. I was hitching a piggy back ride on top of him, and both of us were laughing, looking at the camera with the happiest faces.

"Get back here you little bitch!" I ran towards the door. I wanted out, out of this life and out of this relationship, I had suffered for too long now. He caught up with me and threw me on the floor. No love can fix this. No love can help this. His strong arms hit my face and choked me. I ran away from one terrible man to another one. What had happened? Why did I get with him? I struggled for my life as we wrestled on the floor. He kept a gun somewhere, I knew it. I could not believe I was actually contemplating killing him, but if I didn’t do it, he would certainly finish me off. Or worse. He got a hold of both my hands and twisted me around onto my stomach. Horror filled my heart as he tore my skirt off. I shut my eyes and tried to struggle, but it was too late. When he was done, he got up and kicked me in the ribs, just for the heck of it. Walking over to the chest of drawers he pulled out a gun from the third one drawer. I lunged at him and took the gun, my knees trembled and I fell to the floor with him and the gun. A shot rang out as the gun was between us. And suddenly, he stopped moving.

My fingers stroked the picture for the last time and I let go. The picture went flying in the wind. My hair wiped my face but I smiled. Had I let go yet? I turned back and looked into the distance, the picture flying madly. I cried. I laughed. It was hours until I realized that my hysteria was gone. And I was still behind the wheel of his cabriolet. His blue cabriolet. And I was still myself and alive. And I closed my eyes again. There were still things that hurt.

I had never seen a dead person, and here was one of my own. My flesh, my blood, my past love. My biggest heartache. My father lay in the open casket. The Stella had done him justice. I had in my hands two identical photographs. Just my daddy and me. We were smiling, the picture taken by the lady of the sea, by our love, our savior, my mother. I laid one photograph under his hands, near his heart, whilst no one was looking. I felt at peace with him. Was he finally with the only woman he ever loved? Up there with her? I wiped a tear and smiled. "I'm sorry daddy, I always wanted to say, I'm sorry. I loved- love you, always and forever. Don’t forget me. I’m sorry, but I have to see it now. I have to see it myself. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh god I’m so sorry…" With the last “sorry” I ran out of the parlor, everyone’s glances on my back. I ran out the doors and ended up on the sand. Sobbing. Was I free now? Did I feel better? Had I let go? I sat there for hours, just staring at the red Nevada horizon, feeling the heat. Was I free now mom? Am I free now dad? And only I knew the answer. I had to visit my only love left in this world. I wanted to see my guardian, my hope and my dream. It was back to the blue for me, out of which I was born. My blue eyes searched for the blue cabriolet. And without hesitation, I knew what to do.

I had driven for days now. I had stopped to camp underneath the starry sky and now it was day, with the sun high above me. And finally, I saw it. Somewhere upon a Californian beach I met my destiny. I saw the horizon, it was blue. Blue like my mother's stories. Blue like my eyes, like my soul. Oh god, the blue! The Ocean! The Sea! My love! My Dream! My Hope! My Freedom! My mirror in the soul! I parked the cabriolet dangerously and stumbled out the car door, tripping and panting. I ran, wildly and carelessly. My shoe straps ripped and I kicked the sandals off. I ran, my feet in the sand. I could not hold back anymore, no not anymore, I was not waiting anymore. I was being reunited. I ran. And then, right at the water’s edge I collapsed into the wet sand. The cool, clear water splashed my knees and legs. And now I could cry. I laughed and splashed and sobbed, and there was no one there to judge. You make all things new. I love you, my love, my ocean. Always mine, always in my heart, and now in my hands. I held the water up and let it trickle down my arm. The feeling was beautiful. And the air, the ocean air was better than it had promised. I breathed deep. I felt the mist penetrate my parched lungs. There was plenty of time to spend here now. I sat down on the dry, soft sand, and looked out into the distance. Was I free now? And I looked at the ocean for the answer. Had I let everything go? And yes was the only answer given, the water running over my hands for the tenth time.